and then there is none of that

there was we
and there we are

we are there
now
spaced out
out spaced
are we now

we are 'there'
for each other

we heard
together
we watched
together
we laughed
together

'i'll be there for you...'

and now
there
we are...

boys don't cry

just that...

i realise
day after day


being oneself
and
becoming oneself
and see oneself
through this
till death
is
point of the whole thing...

i am loving my existence...

the logic of connection...

connection...!

i have to start with all my humble respects to BSNL...

and then
here is 'i'...

to connect
to talk
to be with
to stand with
to chat with
to have coffee with
to mail
to ...
you are wise
you know
the options and
the possibilities

connection
by the structure of it
demands two sides.,
elementary.


here is 'i'
there are 'you'

you and i
(i have been told,
donkey goes first)
are connected...
are we?

bolo 'bsnl ki jay ho...'

anyway,
we are connected through?
phone
mail
chat
coffee
rides
in person...

we lose our connection
we redial
sometimes...

connection, interesting shit...

why do we connect?
why, doesn't take us anywhere...

||||
winamp goes to next track...
'lag ja gale ke phir yeh haseen raat ho na ho...'
||||

hmmmmmmm....
well...
we connect,
and that's what
is of greater significance...

right?

what happened happened and couldn't have happened any other way....

the context is
you and i

it was you and i

things change
things changed

the context is still
you and i

you are you
i am i
are we we?
is the context,
you and i?

i sent an sms,
suicidal
lonely
distant
disconnected
detached
desperate
angry etc.
roughly...
about that...

and i said
'what happened happened
and couldn't have happened
any other way...'

the context is still
you and i

a gap
a space cut
a congestion problem

'jis wyakti ko
aap samparka karane ki koshish mein hai
unse abhi samparka prastapit nahi ho sakata...'

hmmm...

so the context
is still
you and i.

when i see you
or saw you
the context was that
then it got blurred

either the eyes went watery
or the mind was occupied
some other context...

it is not
an eclipse
to our context,
or may be it is...
apparent
temporal
spacial
situational

nothing
unholy in that
is it?

just a phase
just a moment
just something
insignificant
which passes by...?

may be...

you could not come through
i could not reach too
we could not meet?
thus were we?
you and i

the context
was lost...
we were lost...

'what happened happened
and couldn't have happened
any other way...'

logic of betrayal...

am who am
am what am
am the way am

the thing is,
you trust me
don't you?

and there is a thing
about the thing,
the thing
not about 'you trusting me'
but the thing
is about 'trust'

responsibility
some say
bondage
some say
relation
some say
binding
some say

i don't know
i say

logic says
when trust comes
into existence
the very moment,
the lack if it
and
also the break of it
come into existence...

but i believe,
mind you
believe is
higher level of
trust
(and that's where,
i enter the domain
of my specialisation
and speculation: 'irony')
that the relation
between you n i
is based on trust
and
the lack
and the break of it
as well

with it
come the rest
of the things

'the things'
you know?

quoting...

My sympathies are limited.
I can only be myself
and partly by nature,
partly by the circumstances of my life,
it is a partial self.
I am not a social person.
I cannot get drunk
and feel a great love for my fellowmen…
I have never even sung a hymn…
Though I Have been in love
a good many times,
I have never experienced
the bliss of requited love…
And so,
never having felt
the fundamental emotions
of normal men,
it is impossible
that my work
should have the intimacy,
the broad human touch
and the animal serenity
which the greatest writers
alone can give.

: W. Somerset Maugham

pachyderm

she taught me this word
long back...

she said am a pachyderm
i asked what that is?

she told me what it means...

today the word came back to me.

am a pachyderm
was it my necessity, then?
is it now?
i don't know.
do i just simply feel safe being a pachyderm?
i don't know.

i feel
i am a coward
i am shameless
i am spineless
i am pachyderm

i am
tired
i am
lost
i am
hurt
i am
alone
i am a
pachyderm...