you are the change, am the odd man out...

you have been what are

you are what you are

you will be what you are to be

i probably have not been what you wanted me to be

i probably am not what want me to be

i shall not be what you want me to be

you and i making a ‘we’ is a wonder

you changed

and change is the only permanent thing…

i have been the odd man out,

i have been trying to cope with you

i walked fast to catch you

i ran till i went breathless

i didn’t catch you

i couldn’t catch you

i am the odd man out.

i didn’t understand the changes

they were as obvious as the weather changes

(well currently the weather is not very consistent either)

you always been in the pattern

i always tried to pop-up or drop-down

my eagerness to see you, to be with you seems unreal to you?

it makes me feel so lonely, you would have no idea.

well

what the hake

anyway

whatever

this is all rubbish

as temporary as my anguish

forget it…

you change,

i will be what i know to be…

Our strength grows out of our weaknesses

a song
amiss
an emotion
a demand
a feeling
an experience
a thought
a relation
a sense
void


you and i
we have been such

my urge to love is such
our distance is such.
there is something strong in
incompleteness,
future
possibilities
options

i have read somewhere,
'we can choose our past and future'

what do i do?

do i tell you,
what i feel for you?
do i wait,
and see if really i do?
do i love you?

i have passed the phase
(at least so would i like to believe)
to ask questions like,
'what is love'?
(i think these are pseudo questions,
with rather dynamic answers,
hence should not hold us at those)

the urge of openness
and the demand of intimacy
the need of company
and ego of being incomplete
complex and simple
conflicts and smoothness

where am i heading?
where are we heading?
do you have any idea?
i don't know...
i really don't know...

the evening is such...

theory of relativity...

an action is a reaction to an action
an action has an equal and opposite reaction

an egg first?
or a hen first?

i feel affectionate towards you
you feel distant from me
i feel attached to you
you find me unfair
i accept my mistakes
you are proven to be right

i really don't understand
how can i be right?
how stupid?

if i will be right,
you will be wrong

and that's never the case
that can never be the case

i act
you react
i continue to act
you continue to react

now i think,
i understand
why we are such...

an action is a reaction to an action
an action has an equal and opposite reaction

progressively stable...

My attachments
Your detachments
are synonyms.

The language has been the problem
in communication between us
for a longer while now
we need a fresher reason
a brand new excuse
to not understand
each other.

our language consists of similar sounds
but may not be, the same words
and rarely the same emotion.

You are a perfectionist
You commit no mistakes
and i never stop making mistakes
i repeat my ‘mis-take’-s
time and again
i can’t not do what I do...

at times i wonder
why this?
i come with the blood of Sisyphus
do i seem to be in a trap of repetition?
A trap?
i have heard,
everything repeats.
creation - sustenance – destruction
Happens time and again.

A tree is eternal
Life is eternal
Life is about sustenance
sustenance is a base for Life
sustenance is a need of Life

i am such
Life is such

i do myself
time and again
i be myself…

If wishes were horses, I would be riding on the moon…

my wishes are unfair

my demands are unfair

my need is unfair

my asking is unfair

my love is unfair

you can’t give me what i want

you can’t fulfill what i need

my thirst for affection,

is unfairly large

insanely deep.

it is of quick-sand kind

anything comes in contact,

gets sucked in

my existence is a quivering

black hole…

what remains

is to maintain safe distance…

stay away from each others gravity…

if wishes were horses

i would be riding on the moon…

my specialisation...

there is something really
poetically true in irony...

irony is mystical...

an angel i am

an angel i am

two wings and
a white halo
white dress
white mind
plan
simple
loving
caring

you don't believe me?
oh come on,
you must be joking...

i tell you something
am all that
all the time
every time you see me
i wear my halo
and
take the wings
just in case...

my love is real one...
don't get fooled by it...

irony is my specialisation...

you say,

you always knew

you could stay by yourself

i say,

i always knew

i could never stay by myself

and 

you got engaged

am still alone...

such is it...

theory of 'relativity'

doleful eyes

iffy climate
iffy ethos
iffy situations
iffy conversations
iffy silences
iffy connections
iffy relations

theory of 'relativity'

we are connected
we are related
in 'some' sense,
that we do not know

guessing the space
sharing the space
feeling the awkward
filling it with
looks
words
comments
silences
hand-shakes
hugs
detachment
coldness
and
love

i look at it to be
surreal
and then
the process becomes only
'my thing'

but
you and i
share this,
right?

how does
realism coincide surrealism?

such
becomes
'theory of relativity'...
you and i

form of lack of sharing...

i don't share
i don't share you
i don't share, you know?

do you understand this?
i don't share 'much'
not because i can't share
but because i don't share...
rhetoric?

you and i,

when i see
you sharing,
i can't take it
i am a bloody possessive person
'one should not be possessive'
says my head,
may be too much is at stake
i don't know
but i don't let that happen.
i feel i can't give it up
i can't give you up
i want to posses you entirely
and that's where i back out
i freeze
not you

but you and i

i am a stupidly man
i am

i get shaken
i get worried
i get jealous
i get disturbed
i get bothered
i get vibrant
i get worried
i get terrified
i get upset
mostly with myself
for being 'such'

such is
an asshole
a pachyderm
spineless
and
loving too,
i hope

well
my reluctance is a million doller baby
am trying to put to rest...

wise men think alike...

i am a stupidly man
i am


i connect
i like
i love
i posses
i share
i hold
i let go

i don't show

i be, distant
i be, quiet
i be, reluctant
i be, rude
i be, composed

i am a stupidly man
i am

my expression is contorted in it's own web
the problem is

the web is for thee
but caught is i

i reach out, well almost
and that's where i stop
with that
'almost'
i can't take the next step
i can't ask for your hand
i can't look in your eyes
i can't look at you at all

i am a stupidly man
i am

my ego is very 'man-kind'
very
my emotions are gross
i hold no sense of subtlety
i talk aloud
i hold as if i am holing an accelerator
i look at you as you are a stone
i call you as if am making a public announcement...

i am a stupidly man
i am

Sgt Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club

cold is
freezing...

freezing is
used to
preserve
dead...

dead is
where
there is no
life...

life is
which
we generally have...

we generally have
existence...

existence Is...

life is such...

no one knows why...

we all 'know'
don't we?

we know
why
who
where
when
whose
how
and more...

we know it all
the problem is
we don't
want to know
that
we know

wisdom is such

rubber can be streched to a point and no further... but me...?

j
u
n
u
k
a'
s
a
r
t


she flew a while ago

i got dragged
i got torn
i was pushed over the edge,
as she flew up without weighing anything...
floating,
i thought was my domain,
but here i was
heavily nailed
under my own rigid soul
and she flew...
up and away...

she flew too far
she left it all to be far
she chose to do that

moving on is such...

circular notion of time...

'nemechi yeto mag pawsala'
and rain-time comes all over again

the girl wept
as she had bath
she wept
and the tears just
went down the drain

she learnt this
from a tale,
a tale of fish...
who got lost
from her fellow fish
the fish wept and
the sea became salty...
before it wasn't so,
they say

as she wept
the drains
were flooded
the rains came harder..

as the girl's mind
was overcast
it covered the sky
somewhere at midnight
the sky gave way
it showered
rain
tears
life
new birth
love
existence
change
possibility
potentiality

the girl kept on
poring water
over her head
her long wavy hair
held and left the water
her hair
thick long
rolled down the water
the tears were rolling too

long time it rolled
the bucket was empty
the mind was empty
eyes were drained
the anguish was flown out
the life was growing
a grass shoot
popped out of her mind

the floods settled down...

you are you in the i am, you are the you in what i am becoming...

who is my ‘you’?

when you asked me this question,

i wondered,

i always did,

who are ‘you’?

reality?

art?

my dream?

my imagination?

my idea?

distant reality?

you are my

unfulfilled?

you are me?

i don’t know…

who are ‘you’?

i wonder.

we are such

we are never to meet

we can’t

i am scared,

that if i see ‘you’

i won’t believe that,

i would rather not talk to you.

you would evaporate

you would disappear

you would stand still

you would turn into stone,

if i do

see you

or talk to you

or touch you…

you are

not suppose to

show up

i am

not suppose to

recognize you

we are such…

why is it such?

why can’t we meet?

why do i not see you?

incomplete is what we are

unfulfilled is what we are

you stay in the clouds

i sit on the cliff,

i stay by the ocean

you are the mermaid

deep in the ocean,

you and me

are such

our seeing each other

is such…

am foolishly romantic

and

incorrigible too…

well…

life is such…

without you

am incomplete

and

that’s how am still alive

to meet

the ‘you’

in me…

and then there is none of that

there was we
and there we are

we are there
now
spaced out
out spaced
are we now

we are 'there'
for each other

we heard
together
we watched
together
we laughed
together

'i'll be there for you...'

and now
there
we are...

boys don't cry

just that...

i realise
day after day


being oneself
and
becoming oneself
and see oneself
through this
till death
is
point of the whole thing...

i am loving my existence...