boys don't cry

just that...

i realise
day after day


being oneself
and
becoming oneself
and see oneself
through this
till death
is
point of the whole thing...

i am loving my existence...

the logic of connection...

connection...!

i have to start with all my humble respects to BSNL...

and then
here is 'i'...

to connect
to talk
to be with
to stand with
to chat with
to have coffee with
to mail
to ...
you are wise
you know
the options and
the possibilities

connection
by the structure of it
demands two sides.,
elementary.


here is 'i'
there are 'you'

you and i
(i have been told,
donkey goes first)
are connected...
are we?

bolo 'bsnl ki jay ho...'

anyway,
we are connected through?
phone
mail
chat
coffee
rides
in person...

we lose our connection
we redial
sometimes...

connection, interesting shit...

why do we connect?
why, doesn't take us anywhere...

||||
winamp goes to next track...
'lag ja gale ke phir yeh haseen raat ho na ho...'
||||

hmmmmmmm....
well...
we connect,
and that's what
is of greater significance...

right?

what happened happened and couldn't have happened any other way....

the context is
you and i

it was you and i

things change
things changed

the context is still
you and i

you are you
i am i
are we we?
is the context,
you and i?

i sent an sms,
suicidal
lonely
distant
disconnected
detached
desperate
angry etc.
roughly...
about that...

and i said
'what happened happened
and couldn't have happened
any other way...'

the context is still
you and i

a gap
a space cut
a congestion problem

'jis wyakti ko
aap samparka karane ki koshish mein hai
unse abhi samparka prastapit nahi ho sakata...'

hmmm...

so the context
is still
you and i.

when i see you
or saw you
the context was that
then it got blurred

either the eyes went watery
or the mind was occupied
some other context...

it is not
an eclipse
to our context,
or may be it is...
apparent
temporal
spacial
situational

nothing
unholy in that
is it?

just a phase
just a moment
just something
insignificant
which passes by...?

may be...

you could not come through
i could not reach too
we could not meet?
thus were we?
you and i

the context
was lost...
we were lost...

'what happened happened
and couldn't have happened
any other way...'

logic of betrayal...

am who am
am what am
am the way am

the thing is,
you trust me
don't you?

and there is a thing
about the thing,
the thing
not about 'you trusting me'
but the thing
is about 'trust'

responsibility
some say
bondage
some say
relation
some say
binding
some say

i don't know
i say

logic says
when trust comes
into existence
the very moment,
the lack if it
and
also the break of it
come into existence...

but i believe,
mind you
believe is
higher level of
trust
(and that's where,
i enter the domain
of my specialisation
and speculation: 'irony')
that the relation
between you n i
is based on trust
and
the lack
and the break of it
as well

with it
come the rest
of the things

'the things'
you know?

quoting...

My sympathies are limited.
I can only be myself
and partly by nature,
partly by the circumstances of my life,
it is a partial self.
I am not a social person.
I cannot get drunk
and feel a great love for my fellowmen…
I have never even sung a hymn…
Though I Have been in love
a good many times,
I have never experienced
the bliss of requited love…
And so,
never having felt
the fundamental emotions
of normal men,
it is impossible
that my work
should have the intimacy,
the broad human touch
and the animal serenity
which the greatest writers
alone can give.

: W. Somerset Maugham

pachyderm

she taught me this word
long back...

she said am a pachyderm
i asked what that is?

she told me what it means...

today the word came back to me.

am a pachyderm
was it my necessity, then?
is it now?
i don't know.
do i just simply feel safe being a pachyderm?
i don't know.

i feel
i am a coward
i am shameless
i am spineless
i am pachyderm

i am
tired
i am
lost
i am
hurt
i am
alone
i am a
pachyderm...

taanpuryanchya gaabhyaatun.......

a man
an artist
an ascetic

he was with
he was within
he was without

he was for his audience
he was for himself
he was or his father
he was there
he was not there
he is Shivputra

he was making it tangible
and completely intangible

simple?
Complex?

i did not try to understand
it took me over
opium kind
slowly
am still on the same high...

Core is touched
core is shaken
core is tender
core is a weep
core is bliss

core is my existence
my existence is an experience
it made me a whole...

07/05/2006 Written piece After a discussion i had with s’one, remembered this, and so...

allah tero naam ishwar tero naam...

I so wish that I could believe in god...

We are so handicapped and limited that it is shacking... hm...

We, our responsibilities... our helplessness and our streangth too actually...

Everything is surpassingly stunning...

Every now and then things become such that

we come across something where we are at the '.' full stop point...

Life becomes an effort to discover, uncover surprises...

And how and what reveals in front of us...

'We have to be humble.'

Nature would not appreciate any kind of arrogance at all...

But we are so very proud... Stupid...

If there were any CONSCIOUS supernatural power it would be laughing at us so loudly...

But we are so busy in out own noise that we do not hear that too...

We have no time to hear our own cry, our own wounds are bleeding and we neglect...

As if we have cut that part from our body...

Bad faith as Sartre would call it...

That pain... that anguish...

That sensitivity ...

We are applying more and more and ore cosmetics...

to cover our aging...

Daily face lifts...

every morning we look in the mirror...

pull our faces up...

And say WOW here is a NEW day of my life...

We read Gandhi saying 'be the change...'

and at the end of the day,

again we try to forget how many times did we auction our soul in that day...

That is what we do...

Why can't we see all that??

Do we see all that?

Why are we all not ready to go beneath,

within more and more and more...

Till we find that very uncultured human?

What are we talking about being cultured ?

What kind of culture are we culturing?

Nirbal ko bal dene wale

balawan ko de de jnyan...

sabako sanmatee de bhagawan...

Why are we waiting for that to happen?

From where in the heven sake is that going to come????

Dewala shivya ghalnarya Tukaramala apan dokywar gheun naachato...

Bhudhha ni sangital, murti puja nako... Apan tyachahi bajar kela...

Swat: kade bagha... ????????////

Ani? Ratri zopatana sagala wisarun jaato...

are yaar...

Bhuataa paraspare jado maitra jiwanche???

Prarthana karaychi ani mag MIT chya nawani paise odhayche...

Sahityala tatwajnyanachi baithak hawich asa sangat basaych?

Nahi yaar

Kuch to galat ho raha hai...

What do we do?????????????????????????

How and what in the world are we going to feel, understand what is GOOD???

6.422 When an ethical law of the form, 'Thou shalt ...' is laid down, one's first thought is, 'And what if I do, not do it?' It is clear, however, that ethics has nothing to do with punishment and reward in the usual sense of the terms. So our question about the consequences of an action must be unimportant.--At least those consequences should not be events. For there must be something right about the question we posed. There must indeed be some kind of ethical reward and ethical punishment, but they must reside in the action itself. (And it is also clear that the reward must be something pleasant and the punishment something unpleasant.)

6.423 It is impossible to speak about the will in so far as it is the subject of ethical attributes. And the will as a phenomenon is of interest only to psychology.

Bichara Socrates... kiti sadha...? Tyala wataych lokana GOOD mhanje kaay te kalala ki te wait kadhi kalanarch nahit... bhalatach weda manus hota haa...

aswastha.....................................

am i obliged?

Between you and i

I am always wrong

You are always right

You are bright, am dark

You are charming, am horrifying

You are gracious, me mean by birth

We are such

We share

Do we at all?

I wonder

I wonder why we stick around

Rather how come you stick around me

The evil of me scares me mostly

Doesn’t it to you?

Take care of yourself

Don’t spoil

I stand on guards

So should you

Guards are not good to lose,

I don’t…

Not when I see you

Seeing me

So

There we are

You are the grace

Am the disgrace

Love to you

purpose...

do you think
web making is futile,
is it?

well,
are we looking for absolute purpose?
may be
may be not

may be there is an absolute purpose may be there isn't any such absolute purpose...

i am web maker
it's my purpose
don't ask redundant questions,
'who decides ones' purpose'
that is what 'is'
and we should stick to our purpose

and be sure
you have a purpose
may be
you have many things
under that one purpose...

live them
life is the purpose...

we are unfinished ...

anyway
good night...

when you leave like that;;
rather when you left,
you left with
an anyway

i know
i too do it

but today it hit me
it hit me hard

you n me are funny people
you n me are lost people
you n me are intimate people
you n me are scared people
you n me are distant people
you n me are not done yet
you n me don't know
what to do with each other
you n me are running...
n running hard...

anyway
good night

when you thought of 'cease'...

are you kidding me?
you say nothing happened?

not true
not true at all

the rain-water stopped
the trees lost the green
the earth stopped
the sun faded
the stars went dead

it all happened

the moment is full
the moment is complete
in such a moment
it all happened

it happened so much
that
even you were tranced
a moment
when all that happened

i realised
you closed your eyes...

the less of me...

distances and more
affection and more
attachments and more
memories and more
missing and more
life and more

life is such, i guess
communication is such, i guess

words and more

moment elongated...

a long constant rain
a deep lonely vein
a solely marwa evening
missing you...

deep/profound and a of that

don't scare me
with your profoundity

i like basic
i like simple
i like obvious
i like elementary
i like primitive
i like direct

why did it not occur to you?

it is all very simple

you know the difference,
between
understanding something
and
a 'realisation'
right?

when i realised
sometime back
that
it is completely futile
absolutely
wholly
totally
fully
entirely
futile

Everything,
all of it,
the whole of it,
the entire thing
is futile...

mind you,
i (almost) always knew it,
but that was a 'realisation'

and now
am the 'realised' one

am telling you,
the life is beautiful
the life is wonderful
the life is intense
the life is meaningful
the life is full
the life is lively
the life is lovely

and that's how
am living it...

simply
because
i seek beauty
i create wonders
i make life intense
i give meaning
i make life full
i live life
i love life

but guess what?
you taught me all this,
you pushed me to 'realisation'

i just wonder
why did it not occur to you?

dare not plot me on your graph

you geniuses
don't you dare
plot me on
your excellency graph
i am a total misfit

you work in 2 dimensions
your axis are 2
age n achievements

i count my age
by the birth day cakes
i have had

and i have achieved nothing
that can be plotted
my life is not a plotted theme
my plot is dynamic
alive

the third dimension
called 'living'
will make it difficult to plot
my life on the axis
you use

take
the sky
the land
the depth of the ocean
the height of the mountains
measure it all
what do you get?

some numbers?

read the numbers
again
and again
and again
again and again...

does it change?

i change
i am dynamic
i am life
am the arrogance of life
am the humility of death

don't plot me
not because
i wouldn't like it
but
simply because
am
an
extra
ordinary
person,
who doesn't fit
on your graphs...

spare
me...

musing...

i am my muse
i am your muse, at times
you are my muse, at times

being a 'muse'
is an interesting state
what you do with oneself is fascinating

what you are,
is real
what you see of you
is reality
re-framed...

we seek ourselves
all the time

and it is not
being
'self-centered'

i watch my reflection
in water
in mirror
almost e'where...

when you think
i am looking
deep into your eyes,
it is actually
my own self, am looking at...

you are a medium,
but mind it,
by no means
it belittles
your looking at me

I respect
love
adore
the fact that you
look at me

but don't misunderstand my reflections...

'aatm-magna' : 'self-involved'
'ahm-manya' : 'self-centred'
these terms should not be misunderstood

the derogatory sense should be filtered
the love you see in my eyes
or hate or anger or dejection or affection
could be for you
but
it just might be for me within you...

take care
look at yourself
in my eyes
you are in me
deep inside
because
we are deeply connected...

off

Off line.
Off track.
Off frequency.
Off mind.
Off sleep.
Off.